I have no loyalty to any coffee brand in particular, and am content to grab a cup from whichever place I’m closest to. Given its venti presence, I am usually close to a Starbucks.
The problem is, and this is difficult to admit, I still don’t know how to order coffee there. I don’t speak Starbucks. I still don’t get how to ask for something fat-free, I can’t remember the names of their different syrups and have no idea how milk comes in more varieties than store locations.
I have yet to name a cup size correctly as Starbucks’ sizing is so backwards to me. As someone who is short, tall has always been the height of well, height, for me. I feel like I can wrap my head around individual terms like soy and vivanno, but I can’t string them all together into a coherent order that doesn’t embarrass myself and whoever I’m with.
Starbucks has been the hardest language I’ve ever had to learn. I had no trouble grasping French growing up though, admittedly, being immersed in the language as an exchange student in France certainly helped my learning. But what am I supposed to do, go live in a Starbucks? They’re cleaner than my French dorm, but I’m always concerned about occupying a table for too long and I can only go to the bathroom in my own house. I just don’t think it would work.
As with calculus, I have admitted defeat and enlisted assistance. I’ll tell my friend I want a “mocha bullshit,” and she’ll translate it into Starbucks for me, like ‘ grande three-pump (or was it double quad?), skinny/non-fat, organic, breve mocha, no whip.’ I’ll say this order to myself over and over in line like the Sesame Street kid – “a loaf o’ bread, a quart o’ milk, and a stick o’buttah” – but when that 16 year old barista turns to me baring a tag declaring her a coffee expert, I panic. I’m not an expert in anything and I’m twice her age! My repetition escapes me.
“I’ll…I’ll…I’ll just have tap water!” I stammer.
“What size cup would you like?”
“Um, a bottle please! Hurry!”
I give up quickly because I’m terrified of being the object of “Starbucks Rage”-the aggressive and uncontrolled anger exhibited by Starbucks patrons in line when the person ordering can’t say his/her drink as fast as the Micro Machine Man.
It’s hard being a stranger in a strange land. Especially when I love foreign languages. I think languages are important and the atrophying of my French has been a big upset for me. My husband and I are certain that we would want any unborn child of ours to learn a second language. We have often debated which would be the most useful and enjoyable: French, Spanish, Mandarin, Cantonese? I’m going to insist though that our baby be immediately enrolled in “Starbucks Ordering-Issues in Applied Linguistics.” Hopefully, then, they will be able to come home and patiently teach it to their mom.
In the meantime, I guess I’ll just have to keep studying on my own: http://www.wikihow.com/Order-at-Starbucks
It’s been said that a coffee order says a lot about a person. I think my “tall, medium, house blend” says I’m an unpretentious girl next door who wants to have fun but is too scared to go after it.
What’s your coffee order and what does it say about you?
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Double Americano with one milk.
I guess I love how Americans bastardize everything and then declare it as their own. With one milk.
Oh my God, they killed European culture! You Bastards!
You are seriously hilarious with a beautiful flair for writing – I’ve read your blog a couple of times and I think you and I would make great friends! I’m with you on the fear of speaking Starbucks – I learned one thing – short (they don’t even advertise that size but they have it!!) Americano. That’s it. I add my own soy milk because I’m afraid to ask for their steamy concoction.
Thank you for the great tip Andrea and for making my year! We should definitely meet up for a short Americano some time!
This is my favourite of your blog posts so far. I feel EXACTLY the same way about Starbucks! But I refuse to learn Starbuck-speak. I go up to the counter and order a “LARGE DECAF, DOUBLE DOUBLE”, same as I would at Tim Hortons (which is where I would be, if I had my preference). And the funny thing is, the baristas never bat an eye; they just turn around and get to work! When I am just DYING for a confrontation!
I think your coffee order says that you are an unpretentious girl next door who isn’t an idiot. 🙂
You’re awesome Melanie! Do you think you can come with me some time though because whenever I ask for a medium, they tell me they “don’t have that size” and look at me like I’m the one that made up a word! I could sure use a Coffee Advocate as fabulous as you.
My dad isn’t allowed to order at Starbucks. . .he has to sit at the table while my mom orders for him. I don’t think he would even know where to begin if he ever ordered for himself. . .
He’s just happy when my mom brings a cookie back to the table.
What kind of cookie??
I normally just admire this blog from afar and don’t leave a response, but I can’t help but add that you can also order a short in a tall cup which, while really confusing to the barista, is the perfect amount of coffee and fits much better into a car (or stroller) cup holder. (and the ginger molasses cookie is amazing)
You just blew my mind! Thanks so much for taking the time to add such a great tip.
I need a translator with me when I venture into a Starbucks. I remember the first time I was taken to a Starbucks. My friend placed her order – I think it was a something something something with something and a touch of something in a size something. I looked at her and said something like, “WTF? I thought we were just having coffee.” and she replied, “We are.” Why is it so hard to order a large coffee with cream. I don’t care how the beans were roasted or where they come from. I just want the caffeine. Tim’s will do just fine.
Yes! Well said Deb. I’m so sick of feeling like I’m SSL – ‘Starbucks as a second language’!
Most Starbucks baristas are willing to help you order if it’s your first time 🙂 You will be surprised how particular you will become when you notice the difference in the types of coffee you consume. If your days are crazy and you need lots of caffeine without spending so much time going out to get coffee so frequently, then you can get yourself one Starbucks coffee and it will do the trick!
If you want something milky and soothing after dinner to sip without staying up all night from the caffeine (or if too much caffeine irritates you), enjoy a latte.
Tim Hortons large coffee = 140 mg of caffeine (Source) $1.50-ish
Starbucks grande coffee = 330 mg of caffeine $2.00-ish
By paying just $0.50 more you are getting double the caffeine and thus saving yourself time from going out to get another after a couple hours — you are paying for sustained caffeine!
Here’s a helpful visual explanation for the espresso drinks (the complex lattes and macchiatos) you can order: http://i.imgur.com/dMGhE.png
Don’t fret Starbucks, learn about it and embrace it! 🙂
Wow, Justine! Have you considered a career in Starbucks translation or perhaps authoring a textbook on the subject? You are a wealth of information and such superior knowledge should not go to waste!
Hahaha! I am only an amateur Starbucks evangelist 😉
I always order a white hot chocolate with lots of whip cream and extra chocolate shavings. Does that mean I’m sweet and creamy, or that I am in no way fat free?
Love the blog Wendy. Done much writing since Humber School for Writers?
It definitely means that you are smooth, sweet and really great company!
Love your blog Noelle (http://boundbytheword.wordpress.com/)! I think I read that you finished your manuscript!? That is so very exciting and I am so happy for you!
Wendy, i have missed a couple of blogs and today after reading and rereading some of your posts, I just relized how I much I miss them. You brilliant, brilliant girl! You have the ability to make us think and laugh all at the same time. As for Starbucks I can get my husbands correct “black’ but as for mine, each time I decide to try something outside of the house blend I get it wrong-I still can’t remember which one has more milk a cappaccino or a latte??? So my advice is to try to always have your coffee with company so that no matter what you order it’s always secondary to the great company you are with . By the way, it’s always an oatmeal raison cookie for me and a biscotti for him!
Thank you so much for your support and insight, Francine. You are absolutely right, great company(such as yours) always trumps great coffee.
Double tall espresso with one splenda.
What do you think, am I betraying feelings of inadequacy regarding my height? Am I subconsciously implying that all things sweet in life are at some level just artifice? I need some help here. When it comes to self-awareness, my cup certainly don’t runneth over. Great piece (blog, article, I don’t know – I suffer from BSL)!
Tim Hortons…Large Double Double…See Wend…no fear
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