This morning, like so many others, I washed my face, saw myself in the mirror and thought “You again? Really?” I’ve been looking at a version of the same reflection for the last thirty years so I don’t know how I get so caught off guard sometimes. It’s that sometimes I guess the thought of being stuck with myself for all eternity is just so disarming.
On days like these, I feel compelled to pull out my long list of inadequacies and ask them all to sound off. Hearing them call out I can do nothing more than lament all the ways in which I’m deficient.
I don’t get up right away when the alarm goes off. I don’t take the dog for a long enough walk. I don’t know how to mitigate world hunger. I don’t put all the pillows on the bed. I don’t know how to style my hair. I don’t fold the laundry like they do at the Gap. I don’t buy enough groceries. I don’t know how to skype to talk to my brother in LA regularly. I don’t wash the floors as much as they need it. I don’t scoop the cat’s litter every day. I don’t respond to my friends’ emails fast enough. I don’t call people back. I don’t always make dinner. I don’t know how to contribute to my community. I don’t call the oven repairman when I say I’m going to. I don’t know how to find the job I want. I don’t know how to earn a living doing what I love. I don’t write well enough. I don’t know how to make people happy. I don’t know when to use ‘might’ or ‘may.’ I don’t know how to advance human rights. I don’t know how to speak up for myself. I don’t know how to manage my time. I don’t know how to make crème brûlée. I don’t like my clothes. I don’t know how to be brave. I don’t know how to take a blood test without fainting. I don’t know how to whistle. I don’t know how to help natural disaster survivors. I don’t know how to make it through the day without coffee. I don’t know how to calm down. I don’t know how to stop talking as much as I do. I don’t know how to live in the moment. I don’t know how to love myself.
The list goes on and on. The order might change from day to day, but nothing is ever removed. I just keep adding more and more faults to the list, cycling through them in my head to make sure I don’t miss any (I don’t write down things I want to remember).
I was doing just that as I rushed to make my doctor’s appointment on time (I don’t leave the house early enough). I drove up a nearby side street and in one fast motion I parallel parked into a tiny space covered in uneven ice, that was barely the size of my car (I don’t always exercise caution when I should). I got out of the car and fumbled around in my purse to make sure I had my OHIP card (I don’t keep my purse tidy). As I walked away I heard a loud “wooo” aimed at my general direction. I turned around to see an elderly lady pump her fist in the air.
“You GO Girl. I never thought you’d get into that spot.”
I looked around, wondering if I should take a bow and hoping she would repeat herself so someone else would hear it.
In thinking about all my imperfections I totally forgot–I am an awesome parker! Truly awesome. In fact, I can parallel park any car, on any downtown street, in the middle of rush hour, during any season. I’m that good.
Her exclamation obliterated my negative thoughts. “Thanks, sista,” I said, pumping my fist back at her.
I was so excited walking to the clinic that I had to call my husband.
“Can you believe it? My parking is so good, it’s attracting attention!”
My husband paused. “Well, I don’t know if a compliment from a woman on your driving really counts.”
And so the list returns: I married a chauvinist.
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I love you Wends, as do so many others and I wish you could see what we see!
P.S. You are an awesome parker 🙂
Oh Alli! You have the most wonderful heart. I DO have the most wonderful friends for which I’m incredibly thankful. Thank you so much for backing up my parking abilities!
Perceptive comment, Stephen!
Great article – I just subscribed to this blog!
You are brilliant.
Remember always. . .”you are the worlds greatest” (insert music here)
PS. . . Not only are you a great parker. . .you make the best tuna noodle casserole.
I forgot about the tuna noodle! Thank you so much for reminding me (and of course for the musical interlude).
Wendy
The long list of things are not even things the most smartest (hahaha) most powerfulest (hahahaha) people can solve. The fact that you worry about world hunger, saving disaster victims, and how you don’t return phone calls – all in the same breath – says a great deal more about you than most everyone I have ever know. Thinking, and knowing are your best and most endearing features 😀
You’re much too generous Robyn!
Hey Wends, I also faint at blood tests. The key is to take them lying down 🙂
Thank you so much for the tip Eric. Starting out vertically is sure to be much less embarrassing.
Eric you took my comment! no shame in taking things lying down…however another way to take blood tests without fainting, and this will really endear you to the nurses (who do so many of these things and worse a day that their disdain for us fainters is only balanced by their extreme pity) is to ask for a ‘special needle’. Its smaller and makes the blood-taking process longer, but it does wonders for your psychology. I also like to look away and sing soothing children’s songs in my head.
I know, this is not the point of the blog post but still…
now you can cross that shit off your list Wendy! you DO know how.
I had no idea there were special needles! Thank goodness I know someone so brilliant who does. This is absolutely an important point of the post. I never make it to the children’s songs because I pass out, cold, as soon as I extend my arm. It is completely and utterly humiliating. Thank you so much for the info. Paging Dr. Shapiro!
You know how to make others laugh, you know how to make others feel good about themselves, you know how to inspire others by taking chances and following your dreams!!
P.S. Can you teach me how to parallel park???
Wendy, have you ever made a list “I can or I know how”, because you know…. I bet it’s much longer that the other one (above)? Parallel parking is on my can’t do well list as is driving on the highway, baking, properly recycling goods etc etc. I could go on and on but so what! We all have lists.Let’s really take time to focus on the the “awesome me” one. You know that endless one you have yet to make.
Stephan, we need to talk!