When I first started writing about infertility, wonderful women from across the globe reached out to tell me about their long roads to motherhood. Many had gone through 3, 4, 5, 6, rounds of fertility treatments and I thought: “How awful for them! I’m planning on having this work the first time.”
To do otherwise seemed terribly inefficient.
I was wholly convinced our first round of IVF would work, even when the doctor explained the embryo he was implanting wasn’t actually viable. I was absolutely certain our second round of IVF would work with the implantation one good embryo and when that didn’t take, I was positive the next round would absolutely result in a pregnancy. The third time, though, wasn’t a charm either.
This is the first time since we have embarked on this road that I have really had to face the reality that I might not get to be a mother. All this hardship might very well result in nothing. This fourth cycle might not work. And then what? How long can we go through this? How long can we ache before making peace with the reality of our biology? Maybe we’ll stop. Maybe we’ll rescue an animal or two. Of course our hearts and minds are open to adoption, but, for various reasons, I doubt we would be at the top of anyone’s list. Still, I routinely walk the dog by a local high-school, on the look out for pregnant sixteen year olds.
“Are you pregnant and not want to be?” I guess I’ll say. “Have you seen the movie Juno?”
I’m frustrated that for the very first time in my life I really did try and live The Secret. I had long suspected my negative attitude was contributing to negative outcomes in my life in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way. I really believed that if I could just banish my pessimism, visualize positive outcomes, they would come to fruition. Over the course of every cycle, I imagined hearing the good news at the end of the two week wait. I imagined my uterus bathed in a peach light, like my infertility meditation instructed me to (oh, yeah, I also bought a fertility meditation). I Googled fertility yoga poses and breathed through them, convinced I was exhaling life from my lungs into life giving cells. I imagined myself holding my baby, right until the very moment the clinic called to say the pregnancy test for each cycle was negative.
When the clinic called back once, an hour after delivering the bad news, I was certain they were calling to say they had made a mistake, that they had mixed up my file and I was, in fact, pregnant. Except I wasn’t pregnant. The file they had been looking at was mine and it had an outstanding balance. I settled the bill. And then I felt so very foolish: for being hopeful, for ever believing any of this could work. For thinking I could get to be a mother just because I want to be. I’ve also wanted to be a much more successful writer by now and that hasn’t happened either. What the fuck was I thinking? Who do I think I am, daring to disturb the universe?
Life. Ammi right?
As Augustus Waters says in The Fault in Our Stars, a book about CHILDREN WITH TERMINAL CANCER, I remind myself: “The world is not a wish granting factory.” It’s just not.
A fellow infertile woman writes me that having decided to stop trying for a baby after multiple rounds of failed fertility treatments, her husband told her he didn’t really want to share her with anyone else anyway, because he loves her so much. I relate this anecdote to my husband.
“Isn’t that just so lovely?” I say. “So very romantic?”
“Yes,” he agrees. “It is. I want to share you, though, with one baby.”
I have a pang of sadness, wishing I could be enough for him, that he would take my face in his hands and say “you are enough for me to be happy.” But I understand. I do. Of course I do. I want to share him with a baby, too. I want to watch him be the amazing father I know he could be if given the chance. I already share him with the dog and cat and I love watching him snuggle with the kitty he vowed to never, ever live with. Things change.
Despite my deep longing to be a mother, I am somehow feeling more resigned now as we wait to hear the verdict of our fourth cycle. I feel much less desperate, much less crazed about it working. Because chances are it didn’t, no matter how hard I wish it did. My hope feels irrelevant and in relinquishing it I feel more prepared this time. I am steeling myself off, encasing my heart, bracing myself for bad news. I am not imagining the baby I hope is growing inside me. I wonder if that will make it easier this time: to hear again there isn’t one.
During my ivf I used to HATE when people would give me those positive mantra’s ‘it’ll happen’ ‘just stay positive’ ‘don’t stress’ ‘it’ll happen when you least expect it’ ‘stop trying and it’ll happen’ ‘my friend’s sisters cousins friend’s….’. I hated it because there are days when you do think it will never happen!
So I will say this – I sincerely hope that this is your last cycle. Sending you nothing but positive hormone vibes!
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for the validation Marc. I know people mean well, but fertility treatments suck and then there is this added pressure to relax and be positive!? Can’t I just fell like shit about it all sometimes! Thank you knowing just what to say and for your good wishes and your positive hormone vibes!
I wish I knew what to say to help you find peace. My prayers are with you.
Thank you so much for your prayers, Kas. It means so much.
So poignant Wendy. And so you in every way. Hoping for you. Love you.
Ruth
Love you too Ruth!! Thank you so much for all your kindness!
I get this for a different reason but I do understand. Sadly, the world doesn’t work that way, although it would be nice. You might enjoy a book called “Bright-sided: When Happiness Doesn’t Help”.
And for what it is worth, it’s not foolish to be hopeful, just human.
Sending you much hope and peace.
Thank you so much for the reminder, Monique! And for the book suggestion-I will definitely check it out. Sounds right up my alley! All the best to you.
I can understand that something like this can be devastating. it is Im sure very stressful and can effect confidence and self esteem. Although I am not a mother yet I your story can help another. I would like to support you and your struggles as we all have them. Be Brave. Be Courageous.
Thank you so much for your support Caroline. I am taking your advice to heart and trying ever so hard to be as brave and courageous as possible! Your words certainly help.
Oh my – I came across this today. I see so much of my own experience in your writing. First let me say, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are much braver than I, we suffered in silence for 8years, and just withdrew further and further from society and friends and work and so on.
I too had envisioned how many ivf’s we would stop at, had my hair analyzed for chemicals, had all my fillings replaced, did acupuncture, meditation, and all the other crazy sh*t in desperation, and the never ending search to find something that worked, no matter how off-the-wall it sounded. Took experimental OTC drugs, etc. That was 8 years ago – so I am okay talking about now.
I feel your pain, you are not alone. I hope you get your miracle and your wish, in whatever form that may be. I hope you find happiness and you get through this difficult time. I understand the depth of it and there are no words to describe the impact FIF has on one’s life. FIF is the abbrev my online sisters came up with for F*** Infertility … sending you hugs and support and letting you know I totally get where you are coming from.
Thank you so much for sharing Michelle. It helps so much. I have felt like I am going crazy, searching for any crazy shit at all. It’s so hard not too feel alone in those moments. You are absolutely brave as can be. I am so sorry you have had to deal with FIF as well, but it is definitely the best acronym anyone has ever used in all of this! Thank you!
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