I Don’t Want to be The Biggest Loser!

Gorging on fast food can be guilt provoking, but all the more so when you do it while watching The Biggest Loser. Because that’s how it starts, right? First you’re eating a burger and fries on the couch and then the next thing you know you are standing in a sports bra in front of all of North America while someone screams repeatedly in your face that you’re a loser. I wasn’t a fan of the Socratic method in business school and I don’t think I would respond to being “called out” in the gym either. So I would rather it didn’t come to that.

I realized this last Tuesday when my husband was working late at the office. Being on my own for dinner, I went and got McDonald’s french fries and a chocolate milkshake.I am able to satisfy such a craving because I’m a grown-up now and can make my own bad decisions. As someone who didn’t taste sugar cereal until she was 18, this is still very exciting. “Mom,” I yelled walking home with the greasy paper bag, “I’m having fries and a milkshake for dinner! Come and stop me!”

Despite my excitement, I started to feel sick eating in front of the television. It wasn’t the titanium dioxide or the cancer-inducing sulfates, either. I just can’t enjoy junk food when watching other people run half a mile while pulling a car strapped to their chest. These people are using hard work and determination to completely transform their lives and here I am using laziness and general malaise to douse mine in safflower oil! The juxtaposition was too unappetizing. I had to stop swirling my straw around the cup to get every last drop of shake and licking my finger to get fallen salt. It was just such a waste of good, bad food! If I’m going to eat a month’s worth of calories in one sitting than I should at least enjoy it.

So tonight I have a plan: I am going to repeat the menu, but this time I’ll be watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model. Those girls all look like they could use some fries, and they are so senseless that next to them I feel fierce no matter what I eat.